I Am Failing

I am failing. I am failing at being a wife. I am failing at being a mother. I am failing at being a Child of God. In life, everyday, I am failing.

I don’t say this to plead for sympathy or persuade you to tell me I’m not failing. I say this because it’s true. It is my truth right now, a truth I must face and find a way to conquer before it conquers me. It weighs on me with every passing minute, to the point I am in tears for no reason at all. No reason, other than I’m failing, and I know I’m failing.

I don’t look like I am. I do the things I’m expected to. I get dressed and head to work like an adult should do. I love my job, really. The family I work for is a blessing and I am fortunate to be part of their company. I pick my son up from daycare, “school” as he calls it. We walk hand in hand to the car. I count the stepping stones out loud as his feet hit the rough concrete because I know he’s learning and I want to teach him. At home, I make dinner or heat up leftovers or pick up take-out to ensure our nourishment. I sit on the floor and play animals. I vacuum when I can. I give baths and read stories. I give kisses and dance. From the outside looking in, you’d never know I’m failing.

But I am.

I’m failing at the big stuff, the deep in soul remember for the rest of your life stuff. I am failing at being the person I’ve always considered myself to be. I am failing at being me, and in turn, I am failing everyone I care about. I can’t be the wife my husband needs. I can’t be the mother my son looks to. I can’t be anything to anyone because I can’t even be the person I need me to be.

I just don’t know what to do. So, I came here to just write it down. Maybe to help my heart and head sort it all out. This is how I feel today, and most days, if I were honest. This is the feeling of weakness I cannot hide from, the shadow stealing my smile. This is the scary truth, the bud of the bud and the heart of the heart, I needed to admit today.

The worst part of it all is I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know if I can be fixed. I am completely and utterly at a loss. I don’t know even know how to put into words exactly why I’m failing.

I know I am, though.

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2 thoughts on “I Am Failing

  1. I’m not a psychologist but if you are feeling like this a lot perhaps it’s time see someone for help? Where you are at the moment isn’t somewhere you want to stay. I was just on Steven Aitchison’s site and got a good quote from there for myself hope it helps you too. “This is the only life you have and you are in control of your life. It’s up to you to make it beautiful and full of love or live in a constant state of negativity and be sad all the time. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.” Best wishes.

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