The Reason

The worst thing you can do is have high hopes. Because when you grow up, your days will be filled with one trivial activity after another. Everything will be just another chore to check off your to do list. You will feel empty. You will feel lost. You will be angry and take it out on other people. You will feel like a failure and happiness will hide from you. Your smile will be a shadow of its former self and you will wonder where to go from here.

I thought I would do something big. I thought I would make a difference in the world. I thought I had what it took. Now, here I am almost thirty years old and I’ve done nothing notable. I have struggled along and cried and fell down. But I’ve always got back up.

Maybe I should have given up instead of getting back up. I’m not sure I’m made any contribution at all.

Other than my son. He’s my saving grave. My gift to the world. When he looks at me with those big blue eyes and says, “Mama,” my world spins. He smiles and my heart that was darkened lights up. He’s goodness and mercy and grace wrapped up in a Ninja Turtle t-shirt and chocolaty lips.

He’s my reason.

Not my reason for living. I am not so far gone that I have forgotten that God did call me. I have not forgotten I was planned with a purpose. I have, however, brought myself to a place that I am unsure I am fulfilling that purpose. I don’t even see that purpose anymore.

He is my reason for hope. He is my reason to keep trying. He is my reason to believe there is still a chance for me to get from where I am now to where I need to be. He is my reason for wanting to be there. He is my happiness and the reason I strive for joy, for joy surpasses happiness and runs to the deepest part of the soul. And joy is what I need.

I am struggling today. I have been struggling for a while now. A long while. I cannot be who I once was and somehow I cannot be someone I’m proud of. In all honesty, I cannot be someone I even want to be around.  And I don’t know how to fix it or what to do. It seems as though I’m in between identities, in the valley, with who I was as a mountain on one side and who I want to as a mountain top on the other side.

And then I am reminded that there is a Lily in the Valley. I am not alone. He loved who I was and who I want to be, but more importantly He loves who I am at this very moment even though I cannot love myself. It is brought to my memory that there is peace in the valley, and I desperately want that peace. Peace with my loved ones. And peace with myself, for I have been at war and my heart has been my casualty.

It is through this that I realize God game me Zay, because He knew this day would come, a day when I am bent and battered and minutes from being dragged beneath the current of despair. A day when bottom is above me with no way to go any lower. A day when no one else would be able to reach me, except his little hand. He doesn’t realize it, but I’m not leading him, he’s leading me…to hope. God may not show me how to be me for quite some time or maybe today is my darkest hour and the sun rise is just above the horizon out of my sight. Either way, He knew I’d be here. And He knew I’d need a reason.

Just one reason…

to smile and keep on trying.

❤ Like Baby Bear Soup

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