What I Want to Say

Dear M,

I’ve changed what I want to say to you. In a word document simply titled Family, I had it all typed out. But now it’s not what I want to say.

The words I wrote then I wrote with an angry heart. Worse still, with a bitter heart. I thought it was what I really wanted you to know. I thought it was what I really wanted to say. And maybe it was, at that time. But it’s not anymore.

I’m different than when I wrote what I did. I’m not longer a hurt child. I no longer hold you accountable for my insecurities. I take ownership of them and what I do I with them. I no longer blame you.

I won’t rehash what I said at first. I am ashamed of those words and of the person that wrote them. I don’t want to be that person again. But I will tell you what I want to say now.

What I want to say,

Is that I love you. More than even I knew. Almost losing someone will show you just how deeply you care. You’d think I’d know that by now, but these last few weeks had to remind me.

What I want to say,

Is I’m sorry, for holding on and not letting go, for letting go and not holding on. I’ve let go of the past now, though. I assure you. And I’m holding on to the days we’ve been given. I’ll not let them slip by unnoticed.

What I want to say,

Is thank you. You may not have always loved me the way I wanted to be loved, but you did always love me. I know that now. Your way of love is different, more complicated and complex, but I know you do the best you can. And I can’t ask you to do anymore.

What I want to say,

Is that I forgive you. And I forgive myself.

What I want to say,

Is that I love you. I know that I said that already, but I do. And I need to make sure you know. I thought I knew I loved you before, but up until recently, there was a part of my heart that I held back for fear of being hurt again. I know you never meant to hurt me. Even if you did, it doesn’t matter now. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. Both for the better, and it is my goal to show you love. I asked God for more time to show you that love you last week. This was after we were ushered into a private room to wait for the doctor to talk to us and before we knew they had lost you for four minutes. it was just me and God in the chapel, and I cried.

To be honest, I never thought I’d cry over you that way. And then, I did. And as I did, it was more than just tears that fell in that chapel. Years of heartache and bad blood spilled to the carpet. Defenses I had built crumbled. And for the first time in a long time, I just loved you. There was no underlying anger or hurt. There was no bitterness or blame. There was only love.

And when I walked out of that chapel, that was all I walked out with. I left everything else at the feet of Jesus. I carried only the love that was left after everything else was striped away. It is that love that I will work to show you every chance I can from here on out.

That’s all I wanted to say.

❤ Like Baby Bear Soup

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2 thoughts on “What I Want to Say

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